Are you an early riser? Does getting up and dressed at 2:00 in the morning, driving to the local Wal-Mart with one eye open, and a brisk one mile walk from your parking spot through a sea of vehicles piloted by other drowsy drivers just to reach the store entrance sound like something you'd enjoy? Then Black & Blue Friday, the busiest holiday shopping day of the entire year, is for you!
You can skip that mundane workout at the gym today if you agree to participate in this event as it is guaranteed to raise your heart rate, provide a thorough upper and lower body workout, increase your stamina, and improve agility! An undisputable battle of the fittest!
A staggering array of off-brand imported palletized merchandise with prices slashed by almost 25% gleams under the flattering fluorescent lighting and attracts the curious (yes, much like a giant bug zapper) and thrifty consumer.
This position requires that you remain alert and focused at all times. It is imperative that you prepare yourself for the event by locating an large empty case used to package boxes of tampons or adult diapers with the manufactures logo clearly printed on the outside. Carry this case with you, and leave it by the front door prior to entering the store. You must then locate your desired object, brace yourself firmly in front of its concealed display, and await the official unveiling by a highly trained associate. You must not show empathy, compassion, tolerance, or possess any presence of having manners or consideration for anyone other than yourself. Your intent and determination is being monitored at all times. When the low, steady hum from the crowd picks up intensity, you can rest assured that the time is drawing near. Focus on your target, plan your escape route, and if shopping at Wal-Mart gives you gas (odd phenomenon, isn't it?), now is the time to deploy it.
Seconds before the concealing protective wrap is completely removed, you are to drop to your knees and begin grabbing and snatching every last item you are able to hold from the display. Maintain your huddled position until the pallet is empty and the masses have dispersed. Immediately begin to make your way to the shortest checkout line (we recommend the jewelry counter or sporting goods) avoiding any eye contact with teary eyed children or gray hairs, all the while maintaining a death grip on your merchandise. Once your items are paid for and bagged, you are to quickly exit the store from the same entrance you used. Deposit all bags in to the box you discarded earlier, and walk to your vehicle. This tried and trusted technique wards off even the most seasoned parking lot pirate!
Back at the safety of your home, you may unload your packages and assess your bounty. You are not to give more than one of your items as a gift, but are to return the others to the store for a full refund one at a time. The object of this mission is not to acquire Christmas presents for your entire family for pennies on the dollar, but to keep anyone else from doing so. God bless America!